He Said...I Said

This was a “venting out” written ages ago for my eyes only.  Since I still get questions about what really happened and I got tired of answering them all, I decided to post this as my way of explaining things.  

Some parts have been edited---updated actually, as every time I see or chat with some friends I get information I don’t even ask for.  Just when I got tired of looking for the answer, it all came to me, effortlessly.

Here goes:

You know that feeling you get when you’re too frustrated or angry over something that you can’t put it into words so you end up crying instead?  I get that.  Sometimes just briefly.  Sometimes until I fall asleep.

But I cry not because I still wish things had ended up the way I envisioned it to---the way you made me believe it would, the way you promised.  I’m waaaaay way over that.

I cry because it hurts.  It hurts not because I still care but because nothing hurts more than the pain of betrayal and desertion. 

Because I know it’s not because of what I've done as you made me believe.  I've realized that you just used them as alibis to find an excuse to “think about the situation”.  You took advantage of the circumstances so you can make your graceful exit.  I gave you your way out.

You were a good actor and plotter.  You think things through so you know which way to go and how to do it that no one will notice what you really intend to do.  Ang linis mo talaga gumawa ng paraan, hindi nahahalata ang totoong pakay mo.  

Truth is, it didn't matter what I did or what I should have done because you've already made up your mind.  You just made it look like it was I who triggered you to decide.  You put all the blame on me at first and I was naive enough to carry the guilt for months and months, until I came into my senses again and thought it through;

You said I was too introverted and I thought it drove you crazy.  So, you pushed me to go out and told me off when I didn't   You knew I wasn't thinking straight because of what was happening but you kept pushing me.  I should have known you just wanted to start a fight and used it so you can say hindi mo na alam kung san ka lulugar the way you told me.  That you now need time to think things through kasi nahihirapan na “tayo”.  Nahirapan ka na magpretend na gusto mo pa mga ginagawa mo.  You think I’m too thick to notice the minor changes through time.  You’re a heartless jerk.  

You said I was turning negative, I’m not the person you used to know.  Show me one euphoric person who’s going through depression and I’ll be your slave forever.  Weren't you the one who told me it was okay for me to vent it all out to you because you’d always be there for me?  I remember when you were the one ranting about your miserable life and I would patiently listen.  Now the cards are turned and this is how you handle it.

You said I should have been contented for what’s there and not ask for more.  You said my dreams were too unrealistic.  Should I live like you?  No plans, no dreams just complaints, and could-have-beens?  Is it a crime to believe that my God has greater plans for me and claim it?  Oh right.  You’re too cool to have a god.  You’re too smart to believe in the infinite.  You’re just perfect.  Too perfect for faith.  You’ll never understand.

You said when I left I brought with me the light that changed you and made you a better person.  Was I supposed to not leave your side because I’m responsible for your well being all my life?  So I guess I owe you an apology for abandoning you in the dark once more.  Kasalanan ko pa pala na nawalan ka ng gabay sa buhay nung umalis ako.  Wow.  What else can you blame on me?  I can only help you up to a point.  The rest is up to you, you lazy ass.

You said I should have done this or I shouldn't have done that because it’s not right and on and on you went pointing out all the wrongs in me when all I needed was a little time to let the storm pass.  Empathy.  A patient ear to hear me out while I’m trying to grasp at what’s happening.  Thank you for leaving me in the midst of it all.  You’re my better half you once said.  What did that mean again?

I didn't say I’ll be wallowing on the pain forever.  I didn't ask you to solve all my problems.  I just needed you to hold my hand while I walk through the darkness…I was almost there, about to step into the light but you were gone before it was over.  I guess that’s how you prove your “forever” and “spending lifetime happiness” with me.  I should have researched more.  I didn't know you have a different vocabulary.  Pardon me if I assumed we were on the same page.

You said you can’t give me the time I need because you need all those times to rest.  Your health is above all important to you so you need to get enough sleep.  If not, your family will suffer if you get sick.  And I was too considerate to believe that.  But what about those times when you were already sick but you have a reunion or a drinking session to go to?  Did your health or family even mattered to you then?  

Of course not. Especially around June or July.  It was then when you started to enjoy someone else's company over Red Horse and Marlboro.  And in every puff and in every shot, all the things you promised me eventually vanished.  Forgotten.

Here’s what you’ve really wanted to say;

You’re the “out of sight, out of mind” kind of person but you don’t want to taint you’re too romantic and “deep” image so you have to shift the attention to an issue with more depth and substance.  You have this mysterious and more-than-what-meets-the-eye illustration of yourself that you so want to protect.  Of course, selfless sacrifice and nobility are more dramatic, impressive, and attractive than being small-minded.  So you opt for that.  So the next time you tell someone your story, you’re the hero and not the villain.  Who wouldn't want a selfless gentleman?  Who would want a shallow jerk?  Galing mo talaga pumili ng storya.

But you really are superficial, I can see that now.  And people who know better can see that no matter how fancy you make up your story.  Ginagawa mong tanga ang mga tao pero lalo ka lang nagmumukang tanga sa paningin nila.  Sabagay, madami pa naman maniniwala sayo.  

You’re foolish to use the very lame line “hahanapin ko muna sarili ko”.  I wonder what happened to that original alibi of yours.  Yan ang una mong rason pero hindi mo napanindigan.  Have you finally found yourself?  Or have you realized it’s commonly used so you decided not to go with it anymore and made up new and uncommon reasons so you won’t be too obvious?  Straight faced liar.  

You’re good in twisting the story around and manipulating the truth so that people will not see the real issue.  Believe you when you present to them the battered victim you; someone who fought hard to make things work out but was defeated by fate in the end.  Oh, my heart goes out to you!  I can’t wait to wrap my arms around you and help you heal your bruises from the love battle you so bravely fought.   Nobody believes your heroic crap but yourself.

You used my mess then to cover up your weakness, your real agenda.  You tried to hide your selfishness behind your “selfless” act.

You’re a scared little kid trying to hide behind the tough image you present.  You’re not even half the man you’re pretending to be.  Wala kang bayag.

I cry because you answer me in riddles and beat around the bush when all I want to hear is either “yes” or “no”.  You complicate the simple.  I want the plain truth and you give me a novel of an answer that doesn't make sense.  Do I look stupid to you?

I cry because you make me look desperate.  I never, not even once asked you to marry me or be the one I’d settle down with.  I never, not even once opened the topic of marriage or starting a family with you because I know you’re not up to it.  You can’t even take care of yourself.  What makes you think I’ll entrust the rest of my life with you?  Why would you assume I’ll wait for you to provide the things I need and want and get disappointed if you won’t live up to my expectations?  Allow me to refresh your memory; you were the one who would always mention marriage, wedding, and kids to me.  You were the one who would always tell me that you’re committed when I was too blunt to tell you I was not.  So, why all these fuss about not being ready to commit to me yet?  Commit to what?  What did I ever asked you to commit?  When did I ever say that?  Why do you twist the story around?

Committed persons never back out come hail or high waters.

I cry because it’s frustrating to hear excuses after excuses after excuses every time you talk.  You are inconsistent.  You try one reason and see if I will buy it.  Then you make up another one when you realize I will not.  It’s hard to digest your stories with all your big and fancy words in it.  

I cry because I hate it that you know how much I despise people who break their promises yet you still promised you will not be like them, but ended up exactly the opposite of what you promised.  And you've got the nerve to tell me not to generalize because not all men are alike.  You’re right, you know.  They’re just average jerks.  You surpassed them all.  

I cry because it’s frustrating that one moment you said you are not guilty, justified everything you did and the next moment you admit you are.  I guess since no one’s buying your “selfless sacrifice”, you decided to give it up and finally admit that you really were wrong.  You can’t make up your mind and it pisses me off.

I cry because you avoid confrontation and won’t hear me out.  

I cry because you can’t find the courage to apologize formally after finally admitting you’re wrong (which took you like forever.  Maybe because you got tired of convincing me, and you sensed you can’t persuade me with your I-did-it-because-i-love-you-too-much shit).  You avoid me like a plague not because you’re scared your feelings will “amplify” the way you put it.  You’re just scared of what I might say or do because you’re guilty.  If your intentions were pure, why would you hide?  You should be proud.

I cry because it annoys me to hear your speech, making people believe you didn't want any of this to happen, that you made a huge sacrifice for me and all that crap.  They don’t believe you.  They laugh about it.  And I laugh with them.

They say when you keep on repeating a lie it eventually becomes your truth.  That’s what you were trying to do.  Convincing yourself and other people with your lie, hoping it will become the truth and we will believe you. 

I hate hate hate it whenever you make yourself look deplorable with lines like, “sakripisyo din para sa’kin ang umalis”, or “I love you that I don’t want to drag you in my miserable life”, and that you regret everything that happened.  Sending me links of music videos with emo songs when you’re confronted.  You said so yourself, if the day will come that you will regret everything, then let it be.  Now, let it be.  Don’t act like you’re sorry.  You make my toes twitch whenever you do that.

If you really want something, you’ll find a way.  If not, you’ll find an excuse.

You always have a choice.  You made yours and now you won’t own up to it.  You blame everything on the situation, the circumstances, on other people, on me and on god-knows-what.

I cry because up to the very end, you did not give me the credit of telling me the truth.  

The worst part of being lied to is knowing that you don’t deserve the truth.

I cry because you just gave me the consolation that at least there was no one else in the picture.  And you expect me to let you off the hook because you were too kind to do me that favor?  You expect me to thank you and feel indebted because you were faithful.  Infidelity is not only measured on whether you had an affair or not.  If you did not remain true to your words, you’re considered infidel to your words.  That’s worse.

Of course you will just tell everyone we know that it all happened after us, that it just happened.  You just found someone when everything’s already over between us.  Of course that won’t make you look bad at all.  You’re just a broken-hearted man trying to heal your heart and here’s one kind soul willing to console you…over Jack Daniels and Marlboro.  Nice.  Perfect match in a perfect setting at the perfect time.  Now that’s a great plot.  

You have underestimated my intuition.  I know that it was around the time you were always “too busy” to spend time with me that you found someone else; someone nearer and always available.  Someone whom you can smoke, drink, and party hard with.  Someone more fun to be around with!  But you don’t want people to know that, or else you’ll be labeled unfaithful and your valiant image will be tarnished forever.  You can’t afford that.  So you have to think hard and think fast.  You chose what’s convenient to you.  

Great effort to try to make yourself look guiltless.  Kunwari hindi sabay, kasi tinapos mo naman nga yung una bago pumasok sa bago.  Not too great though, as I still was able to figure things out.  

But fate can’t be kind to you.  You didn't get what you wanted despite all you've “sacrificed”.  Knowing you though, I know you’re willing to wait for her, be the first available “friend” she can run to when things don’t work out between her and your friend.  The only love you can offer is selfless and sacrificial after all.  You’re a modern day martyr.  Willing to suffer as long as you can be with the one you love.  Bravo!

I cry tears of anger, disappointment, and frustration.  And because I hate your guts. 

Someday I’ll get tired of crying and I’ll be okay again.  

And I just know that when that day comes, you’ll be busy plotting another heroic story that will feature your valiance and great sacrificing love.  Maybe I’ll know about it, maybe not.  Surely though, I wouldn't have a role in it anymore.  And that’s gonna be my happy ending.

I pity you.

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